I Know What America Wants

Today is my birthday, and I’ll be celebrating with eight hours of work and a hamburger. Hells, yeah!

But I have heavier matters on my mind, things that cannot slide.

I have to talk about American Idol.

I have an off/on affair with The Idol. I’ve watched every other season… sort of. Watched all of the first, none of the second, about half of the third (before I realized how much I hated the concept of guest judges, and none of the fourth. Well, I’m watching the slow death stage right now, but I probably won’t watch the theme weeks unless they somehow involve Kelly Clarkson in her dirty prom queen outfit dancing around a stripper pole.

Dance for me, Kelly. I love you!

Right now, though, there’s an interesting group of talent, more so on the guy side. The guys have “Kick-ass Bald Rocker Guy” “Pimp Guy” “Captain America’s Sidekick (the hick named Bucky, for those of you who don’t know)” “Talented Long-Hair Guy” “I Deserve a Punch in the Face Guy (tried to croon “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”)” “Cute Kid (who should pray he gets voted off early, because I think the girls are ready to give the cute little twerp the world’s most spirited going away gangbang)” and “That Taylor Guy, Who Kicks All Sorts of Ass”

Not much to remember on the girl’s side, mostly “Cute, Peppy Girl (sang “Midnight Train to Georgia”)” “Very Talented Girl (sang Heart’s “Never”)” and “Rich Basketball Girl (she can sing, but I hate her rich jock ass).” Really, I don’t think the girls can withstand the guys onslaught.


This will only work with maybe six or less contestants left, and it would be a can’t miss if a woman makes it to the final two. All she has to do is sing her song, and when Ryan Seacrest comes out to talk to her on LIVE television, she needs to say…

“If I win this year’s American Idol, I’ll pose in Playboy.”

BOOM! She’s getting at least 70% of the vote.

Think about it. If Nikki McKibbin (who?) had said this, we’d all be wondering what happened to that nice Clarkson girl.

So there you go, wisdom from me to the Idol contestants. Use it; don’t use it. Like I give a shit.

Hey, Kelly. How ’bout you get wet and roll around on the floor with my girlfriend. Sound good?

Thought so.