This is the weekend

Last night I remembered, with thirty minutes to spare, that I was supposed to go to a STAPLE! meeting. This would have been all well and good, had I not been sitting down to write at the time. Now, I’m 2000 words behind my rewrite schedule. I won’t get to catch up tonight, because it’s Friday Night Geek Jam (aka Gaming).

So this weekend, I have to write 8000 words total to get back on track. I owe my friend Tess at least one comics script. I also have to get her info for this here website so she can redesign it. I have a going away party to attend Saturday night and a meeting with the Frequency Press people on Sunday.

Busy weekend. Good thing I’m broke, or I’d want to go out or something.

The pets are trying to kill me

It’s true. It’s the only possible explanation. Well, maybe not. Maybe Shawna is trying to kill me with pets. I just don’t know anymore.

Let’s run the pets down.

SADIE – The eldest cat is adorable. She’s lazy and solitary until it’s time for bed, then she curls up next to you (or on your chest) in a truly lovable way. I’m convinced she is either a double agent or a furry ninja.

SIMON – The fat cat. Simon is my favorite pet of all time, but I think he was brought in to dispose of my body. He starts every morning demanding to be fed, and, if he’s not locked in his room, he’ll walk back and forth behind the blinds to wake me up. He won’t eat treats or soft food, but will bite my fingers at random times.

BORIS – We’ve discussed the black lab named Boris before. He rips up linoleum and plants. He chews drywall. I think he is sharpening his implements of destruction for the day he’s told to use them on me.

GRETA – Not sure what Greta’s role is. I think it’s to eat everybody else in the neighborhood and bleed on our carpet. Maybe Shawna keeps her around because she knows I’m afraid to have my nieces and nephews around her, thereby keeping my family out of the way until the plan can be set into motion.

In other news, Greta destroyed a set of blinds yesterday because she’s afraid of thunder. Know what this means? It means Shawna has to call in on stormy days BECAUSE HER DOG IS AFRAID OF STORMS!

This is my life, and it’s ending one pet at a time.

Swapping Wives and Taking Names

In a fit of complete boredom last night, I sat down with Shawna and watched most of an episode of Wife Swap. To no one’s surprise, the show played out exactly as I expected.

Here’s an idea, though, because my brain always works in silly ways.

Just once, on ABC (The Family Network!), I want to watch an episode of Wife Swap where it’s time for the wives to be reunited with their husbands, but one of the wives refuses because she’s fallen in love with the other husband and they’re planning to run away together.

Smell those ratings, dammit. Smell them!

My Weekend

Oh but, was it riveting. Would you rather hear about me watching the British version of The Office again? No? Maybe you want to hear about me starting the fourth season of The Shiels shortly after the fifth season has ended? Not that either, huh? Okay, what about my friend who came over to borrow a book and had a wreck in front of my house?

Fine. I’ll try to do something exciting tonight.

I make no promises, though.

Friday and Records

It’s the Friday of a very uneventful week. I’ve been bored out of my skull, just coasting through every day until I can get home and write. I hope to do about seven to eight hours of writing on both Saturday and Sunday.

Well, in order to have some sort of content today, I’m gonna repost a silly MySpace bulletin. The subject was Five Records that Changed Your Life. These are in no particular order. I just wrote ’em down as I thought of ’em.

The Afghan Whigs – Gentleman (The record that got me through seven break-ups)

Helmet – Meantime (Hey, they make metal for people like me)

Superchunk – No Pocky for Kitty (They make punk for people like me, too!)

Guided By Voices – Bee Thousand (One of the greatest pop records in history)

The Beach Boys – Pet Sounds (THE greatest pop record of all time, and the record that scared the shit out of The Beatles)

Never read Sleeper before bed

First off, sorry about the lack of writing-related updates lately. I’m working on several short stories, submitting them to anthologies and such. This puts A Family Matter (formerly Just Past La Grange) on the back burner for another week or so, then I plan to push on that right up to World Horror in May.

So, last night I was reading Ed Brubaker’s excellent comic series Sleeper before I went to bed. It’s a story of a superhuman operative who’s under deep cover in a criminal organization. It’s brilliantly written, and the work of Brubaker’s career.

Well, about two hours after I finally fell asleep, Shawna wakes me up because I’m talking in my sleep and shaking the whole bed. When I woke up and saw her, though, I knew three things as fact:

1) She was a government double-agent.

2) I was a government double-agent.

3) Sooner or later, Shawna would find out, and then I’d have to kill her.

Lucky for me (and her, come to think of it), I eventually realized who I really was. I apologized to SHawna for thinking she was a spy, and then I went back to sleep.

The End.