The pets are trying to kill me

It’s true. It’s the only possible explanation. Well, maybe not. Maybe Shawna is trying to kill me with pets. I just don’t know anymore.

Let’s run the pets down.

SADIE – The eldest cat is adorable. She’s lazy and solitary until it’s time for bed, then she curls up next to you (or on your chest) in a truly lovable way. I’m convinced she is either a double agent or a furry ninja.

SIMON – The fat cat. Simon is my favorite pet of all time, but I think he was brought in to dispose of my body. He starts every morning demanding to be fed, and, if he’s not locked in his room, he’ll walk back and forth behind the blinds to wake me up. He won’t eat treats or soft food, but will bite my fingers at random times.

BORIS – We’ve discussed the black lab named Boris before. He rips up linoleum and plants. He chews drywall. I think he is sharpening his implements of destruction for the day he’s told to use them on me.

GRETA – Not sure what Greta’s role is. I think it’s to eat everybody else in the neighborhood and bleed on our carpet. Maybe Shawna keeps her around because she knows I’m afraid to have my nieces and nephews around her, thereby keeping my family out of the way until the plan can be set into motion.

In other news, Greta destroyed a set of blinds yesterday because she’s afraid of thunder. Know what this means? It means Shawna has to call in on stormy days BECAUSE HER DOG IS AFRAID OF STORMS!

This is my life, and it’s ending one pet at a time.