Tomorrow, February 23rd, 2007, I will be thirty years old.Â Some folks get depressed as 30 begins to loom over them.Â They feel they haven’t reached their goals, aren’t successful enough, or any number of other things that make them feel somewhat less perfect.
I, on the other hand, feel awesome.
Why?Â Because I’m almost fucking thirty, and I still feel like a kid.Â Hell, I am a kid, and my life might alreadyÂ be halfway to its finish line.Â I’ll probably be a kid until the day I die.Â Â Â There’s no reason for me to grow up, especially when I’m enjoying myself so much.Â Immature?Â Sure!Â There something wrong with that?
Still, I’ve been on this Earth for thirty years.Â I’ve learned a bunch, and I’m thankful for the experience.Â In an attempt to share, I will now list one thing I learned in each year of my life for your reading pleasure.
1. I don’t remember my first year of existence.Â I will use this space to list sauerkraut as the devil’s food.
2. Same here.Â I will instead list chicken fired rice as the world’s most perfect meal.
3. Dry spaghetti does not go up your nose.Â It will hurt when you sneeze it out.
4. Star Wars is badass (no, I didn’t see Star Wars until four years after it came out).
5. If you donate one of your favorite toys to your kindergarten class, you will cry when you have to leave it behind at the end of the year.
6. First grade crushes are silly, but fun!
7. For some reason, I don’t like tater tots anymore.
8. You can get over switching schools in the third grade in only two months or so.
9. Cafeteria pizza is rectangular for baking purposes, but the little round personal pizzas taste a millions times better.
10. George Schwarz=one of the best friends a guy could hope for.
11. Puppy love is a wonderful diversion.
12. Masturbation=nature’s most perfect activity.
13. Nate don’t dance.
14. Going to high school with your older brother blows.
15. Never be a girl’s first boyfriend.Â Baaaaad idea!
16. Getting a job at McDonalds is the dumbest idea a human can have.
17. Handjobs become very painful after three hours or so.
18. Being in a band will not make girls like you.
19. Joy Gerwe should be trusted in all relationship matters.
20. The Afghan Whigs are the best live band of all time.
21. Chasing Hot Damn 100 with cold milk is a terrible idea.
22. When it comes to the bedroom, I am mediocre at best.Â Also, the nickname Johnny Quickshot is both clever and cruel.
23. Shawna Blount is beautiful, a great kisser, and endlessly patient when it comes to bad first dates.
24. Moving in with your girlfriend is a wonderful experience, but apparently you can’t tell when a carpet needs to be vacuumed.
25. Cold subbing a comic series without an artist attached and with no previous credits is a waste of time.
26. I missed out on a lot of horror authors when I was growing up.
27. Gaming can lead to making wonderful new friends.
28. Randy Lander is the funniest drunk alive.
29. Ain’t no party on the planet like the World Horror Convention!
So there you have it, friends and neighbors.Â 29 life lessons for you and yours.Â
Tomorrow, I’ll be celebrating my birthday with Shawna by eating some buffalo burgers.Â Saturday night is a party featuring food, friends, and Carousel Cabaret.Â
I’ll see you all on Sunday or Monday.Â Take care!