One of those days
Posted on February 12, 2007
I get like this sometimes. I’m like this most of the time. “Like” how?
Frustrated, depressed, anxious, angry, charged, paranoid, desperate, and a millions more adjectives that might have negative connotations.
It’s the writer’s lot.
Every minute I spend not creating, not working on some story I want to tell, damn-near causes me physical pain. I feel useless and lazy, like I don’t deserve to call myself a writer. My friends want to know why I stopped watching Heroes and Studio 60. It’s because that’s two hours each week I wouldn’t be writing, and it drives me up the wall. Shawna wonders why I grumble whenever we have to go to the grocery store or house hunt. Same reason. Everybody and their mother seems to wonder why I don’t go tubing (sitting in an innertube and floating down a piss-soaked river for five hours). Goddammit, I got shit to write about. I have to love something in order for it to drag me away from the keyboard. Shawna, Food, Friday night with my friends. That’s it. That’s all I can justify to myself. Anything else has to wait its turn, and that might take years.
I think about my writing time compared to others and it makes me want to hurt myself. Keene spends twelve to fourteen hours a day pounding away at the keys. Shawna tries to tell me to calm down. Brian can afford to write full time, but I still feel like a waste because I don’t spend ten hours after and before work writing. I would spend that much time, too, if I could survive on three hours of sleep a night and didn’t need to eat.
Even last night, I went to bed exhausted, but I felt guilty for not getting more writing done, so I stayed awake in a worried sweat over it. Couldn’t get to sleep.
Writers are crazy. They’re bugfuck insane. I pity Shawna each and every day. I have no idea how she’s put up with me this long. Maybe she’s got some delusion that I’ll be successful.
Poor girl.
Sorry, Shawna. I don’t make this world easy for you. I can’t even make it easy for myself.
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I hear ya, bro. I pissed away the weekend for no other good goddamn reason than I couldn’t get up the motivation to do anything.