Presenting, for your amusement, my 2007 World Horror Gross-Out contest entry.Â Do not read immediately before, during, or after eating.Â In fact, maybe it would be better if you just skipped this entry altogether.
My Lover Smells Like Roses
By Nate Southard
Only a special kind of loneliness can inspire a man to build a woman out of his own shit.Â That was me, though.Â Five years without so much as a kiss on the cheek or a tongue up the ass.Â I asked my mother what she thought I should do, but she just told me not to touch her down there.Â Then she threw me out of the house.
So, yeah.Â Time to build a shit-woman.
I started in a corner of my basement apartment.Â I needed raw material, so I just took to shitting on the concrete floor.Â If I close my eyes, I can still hear the slaps and plops of my stool against the floor–sometimes solid, other times wet like an especially warm chocolate malt.
As I collected my building blocks, I had to seperate them into various piles.Â Solids would be used for sculpting a flat stomach and creating a finely detailed face.Â The wet stuff was for filling my fecal darling’s mouth and vagina.Â I even took small amounts of the firmer shit and molded it into cylinders capable of holding my mediocre cock.Â These tubes were then inserted into My Funny Valenstool’s mouth, ass, and pussy because–let’s face it–shit splatters if you fuck it too hard.
As I’ve said, these cock-hugging tubes were then filled withe the loosest Hershey squirts I could find.Â Now, this wasn’t just for lubrication purposes.Â Sometimes, you want to kiss a girl.Â Or go down on her.Â And really, who doesn’t like a good rim job now and again?Â If you use firmer matter in these areas, it’s just going to get stuck around your tongue and the roof of your mouth like peanut butter.Â Sure, it can be fun to feel it pull apart as you open and close your jaw a few times, butÂ at that pointÂ you’re just being selfish.
Oh, and peanuts!Â I made sure to eat a few of those so I could use them for nipples.Â Salted are the best, because I love sucking nipples, so they should really have some extra zip to them.Â I’ve heard some folks prefer using corn for nipples, but I only use that particular food product for my part-slime lover’s clit.Â That precious little kernal is perfect for both nose-bumping and tongue-flicking, and when you accidentally fling that really soft, slimy chocloate love sauce on your chin, it kinda feels like you made your woman come.Â Fellas, you should really bring your stinking, fly-spotted goddess to full orgasm at every opportunity.Â It’s just polite.
So all you lonely hearts out there, don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty.Â Â Don’t be afraid to getÂ your face, tongue, hair, chest, dick, balls, toes, forearms, kneecaps, sphincter, that dangly thing at the back of your throat, the webbing between your thumb and pointy finger, that flap of skin just behind your balls, or your very soul dirty, for that matter.Â Because let’s face it–at the end of the day, nobody’s gonna love youÂ like your own shit.