The Dregs of Humanity

No, this won’t be about some politician or actor or musician or religious figure or even that mail-carrier that keeps tearing the pages of your latest copy of Rolling Stone.  Instead, I will be speaking today of the two worst examples of humanity that I’ve ever seen in the living, breathing flesh.  I saw them both on the same night, less than five miles away from each other.

With any luck, they did not meet, fall in love, and breed.

A few weeks ago, I found myself in Barnes and Noble on a Friday night.  Let’s set aside the fact that I think this is an exciting way to spend a Friday night, though.  We have more important things to worry about at the moment.

So I’m standing in the fiction section, facing all the Jack Ketchum and Brian Keene books before moving on to the Piccirilli’s, and two teenage girls run up to the book shelf next to me.  The following conversation takes place…

Girl 1: This one here.  You have got to read this book!

Girl 2: No.

Girl 1: C’mon!  It’s, like, the best book ever!  I’ll buy it for you.  Just read it!

Girl 2: I said ‘No.’

Girl 1: Well, why not?

Girl 2: Because books suck.

I ran to the Piccirilli’s before I could be tempted to beat the little twit with a Dark Tower trade paperback.

Twenty minutes later, I’m still thinking about how much I hate that girl.  At the same time, I’m stopping by a nearby Walgreens to grab some chips.  I grab a bag of said chips, muttering the entire time about how I hope that ignorant bitch ends up working a donkey show in Juarez until she’s old and gray, then head for the checkout counter.

Where I spot subject numero dos.

Another teenager, male this time.  Skinny and shirtless, his baggy jeans hitched down just above his knee.  He’s wearing a ski cap for some dumbass reason.  His face begs to be punched.  Just once, but really hard.

I get behind him and wait.  He doesn’t have anything to buy.  Ah, he wants smokes.  Fucking figures.

So, he reaches the counter, and I get to listen to another brilliant conversation…

Human scum: Which cigarettes are cheapest?

Cashier: I don’t know.

Human Scum: Can you check?

She checks.  After a moment, she turns around holding a pack of something that looks like it dropped out of the Marlboro Man’s asshole.

Cashier: These are two bucks.

Human Scum: Fuck! Two bucks?

Cashier: Yeah.

Human Scum: Anything cheaper?

Cashier: No.

Human Scum (sighing like he just found out his puppy has a terminal illness): Fine.  A pack of those.

Cashier: That’ll be two dollars.

And the Human Scum pays with a hundred dollar bill.

That’s a right. A. Hundred. Dollar. Bill.

Now, I don’t know about you fine folks, but I can count the amount of times I’ve held a Ben Franklin on one hand.  Fuck, if you chopped off four of the fingers on that hand, I could still make the count. 

People, we are being overrun by idiotic, half-dressed teenagers who refuse to read and use large bills to make small purchases they don’t think they can afford.  Something must be done about this.  Something drastic.  Maybe these kids should be forced into a life of horrible servitude, performing jobs nobody wants.

Teacher: Class, this is Jimmy.

Class: Hi, Jimmy.

Teacher: Jimmy masturbates pigs for a living because he thinks books are lame and he doesn’t know how to wear a belt.

Class: Can we read now, please?

4 thoughts on “The Dregs of Humanity

  1. Well, the first one was some sort of government plant, to see if you’d snap – I mean, what is someone who hates books doing in a bookstore, fer chrissakes? And the second one… you shoulda jumped him in the parking lot and TAKEN the 98 dollars from his crummy, spoiled hands…

  2. The good news is these idiots do get what they deserve. A friend of my parents has a pinhead kid who dropped out of school and is still having trouble getting his GED. He was convinced he got “the best job ever” working for a company that makes batteries for missiles and making thousands of dollars a month. He lasted a week. It’s unclear whether he quit or was fired, but neither would be surprising. He finally caved to pressure from just about everyone telling him to check out the military. He took the ASVAB for the Air Force and scored a whopping 35%. Kid can barely read. I’d say he’d make a good bullet catcher, but unfortunately he’d probably take down half his platoon with him.

    He blames his teachers.

    The downside is he’ll get high, knock up some dumbass redneck broad, come home from scraping up roadkill for a living, smack his fetal alcohol kid around, and start the cycle all over again.

    On a lighter note, I like the new look of the site.

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