I’ve been trying to figure out how to ease my way back into blogging and generally behaving like a functioning person after a month of family tragedy, career doubts, and general lameness.Â I decided to do something lighthearted and fun, but with the potential for great venom.
So I settled on this.
See, I’m a little weird when it comes to movies I enjoy (and no, I’m not pretentious enough to call them “films”).Â My brother believes, since I studied screenwriting in college, I only enjoy “artsy” movies.Â I’m not sure how this explains my love for April Fool’s Day, but there you go.Â Truth is, I like what I like, but any movie has the potential for crossing into that area of annoying me.Â From there it’s just a hop, skip, and jump to a movie getting on my shit list.Â This sometimes happens to movies everybody else loves.
Let’s see what some of them are, shall we?
POPULAR MOVIES I DON’T LIKE
Yeah, there goes the geek cred. Problem is, while laser swords might have distracted a three-year-old me from the fact that nothing happens until the last twenty minutes of this flick, it doesn’t now.Â Boring with a whiny lead.
And there goes the rest of my geek cred.Â Another action movie with surprisingly little action in it.Â Lots of jumping and posing, but no action until the final fight.Â Blah.Â And let’s not forget the bullshit philosophy.Â “There is no spoon.”Â “Really?Â Well, I guess it’s a good thing there is no soup, you creepy, know-it-all fuck.”
One of my girlfriend’s favorite movies.Â She thinks it’s a heart-warming tale of a man and his horse overcoming the odds to become champions.Â I think it’s a tale of a rich prick who whips his horse for profit and fame.Â Funny how they never show the trainers giving Seabiscuit injections to curb his internal bleeding.
At least I think I don’t like this movie.Â I always fall asleep about thirty minutes in.
Quentin Tarantino was once a very talented and original writer and director.Â Then he made Kill Bill.Â There’s so much pretentious bullshit in this movie he had to split it into two volumes.Â Painful dialogue, worthless characters, and enough winks and back-slaps to churn my stomach.Â Dollars to donuts says Tarantino watches this and jerks off, probably into a pile of hundreds and fifties.
Look!Â Up in the sky!Â Superman’s a jealous douchebag!Â “Does he take you flying like this?” should have just been written as, “Is his dick bigger than mine?”Â And let’s just gloss over how nobody notices that Superman returns the same day Clark Kent comes back to work.Â Forget that it’s a superhero movie.Â This flick only works if all of Metropolis is retarded.
Actually, other than the train sequence in Spider-Man 2, there’s nothing worth liking in the entire trilogy.Â Nope, not a damn thing.Â Except maybe that knife that makes Shing! noises whenever somebody touches it in Spider-Man 2.
I realize I have probably raised the ire of a lot of folks by now, so I will sign off with some embarrassing facts about me and my viewing habits…
April Fool’s Day is my favorite horror movie of all time.Â I believe it is a masterpiece.
I cry at the end of American Pie 2.Â Every goddamn time.
I only started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer because I saw a picture of Sarah Michelle Gellar in leather pants.
I was too scared to watch the “Thriller” video until I was thirteen.
Thank you.Â Have a nice Monday.