A few weeks ago, I mentioned that I was having a very strange Monday.Â A few folks asked why, but I didn’t really give any details.Â I was waiting for things to quiet down so I’d have time to write about it.
Well friends, that time has arrived.Â Let me tell you how I accidentally aided and abetted a hit and run.
It started around five o’clock.Â Shawna and I had chili dogs in the making, and I was looking forward to eating various indescribable parts of several animals.Â We were minutes away from dinner, so of course the doorbell rang.Â Once I managed to wrestle the dogs (Greta and Boris, not the hot dogs)Â into the garage, I opened the door.
It was our neighbor.Â Now, I didn’t really know our neighbors at the time.Â A woman and her teenage son had moved in a few weeks before.Â They appeared nice enough, letting us search through their backyard when Boris the Wonder Lab somehow knocked a ball over there with his nose.
Anyway, our new neighbor needed help.Â She told me her son had just been involved in a car accident about a mile away, and she wanted to know if I could drive her to the scene.
“Sure,” I said.Â I like to be helpful, and sometimes even the scent of chili dogs can’t keep me from a good deed.Â A moment later, I had my keys and we both climbed into my non-air conditioned hunk of junk.
My neighbor jumped on her cellphone.Â What follows is a transcript:
“Hey.Â Hey!Â HEEEEY!Â ANSWER ME, MOTHERFUCKER!Â WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?Â HEEEEEEEEY!”
Luckily, it didn’t take long to reach the spot where her son had wrecked.Â Of course, that’s where the trouble really started.
We pulled to a stop behind a pickup truck that had been towing a lawn service trailer.Â Both truck and trailer sat twisted in the intersection.Â I couldn’t see my neighbor’s car.
“You want me to wait?” I asked.
“Yeah,” and she climbed out of the car.
Suddenly the air was full of screams and curses.Â I decided I should check this out, so I climbed out of the car and followed the trail of “Bitches” and “Motherfuckers.”
I rounded the truck and saw my neighbor’s car sitting there with the front corner panel knocked in.Â Compared to the pickup, it had made out pretty well.Â The truck’s sideÂ was smashed in, the transmission lying in the street.Â The trailer hadÂ also been wrecked, so when I heard my neighbor’s son say, “I was only doing thirty,” I suspected he was being less than truthful.
So I saw my neighbor’s son standing with his two friends.Â I saw the two lawn workers standing next to him and trying to get his insurance information.
And then I saw my neighbor climb behind the wheel of her car and take off.
To be fair, she didn’t just take off.Â She first hurled a string of insults at anybody within shouting distance and then cut off another driver before pausing to scream, “BITCH, YOU SEE ME DRIVING HERE!”Â Then she took off.
Her son then turned to me.Â “Can you give me a ride home?”
“We should probably wait.”
Around that time, the owner of the lawn service showed up, and I got to hear all the details of this wreck.Â When he asked where the car that did the actual wrecking might be, the kid gave his mom a call.Â As he told her she needed to bring the car back, I heard a string of curses exit the phone.
The kid handed the phone to the lawn service owner.Â I couldn’t much tell what she was saying, as most of it came out as an angry garble, but his words were easy enough to understand.Â There were sentences like, “You don’t need to raise your voice at me,” and, “I’m not a legal scholar, but at the very least I need your insurance information.”Â Eventually, he handed the phone back to my neighbor’s son, who listened for a moment and then said, “Okay,” before hanging up the phone…
…and sneaking away.
At least, I think he snuck away.Â I’m not sure, because he was sneaky.Â Nobody really noticed the guy was gone until the cops showed.Â That meant I got to spend the time I could have spent stuffing my face with chili dogs talking to the police and explaining no, I don’t know my neighbor’s name or where herÂ son go to school.Â No, I don’t know their phone number.Â Really, I don’t know a thing about them except that they started renting the house next to mine two weeks ago.
Now, two or three weeks later, I still don’t know a thing about my neighbors.Â Because they haven’t returned.Â If they’re back in that house, they’re very sneaky about it.Â Of course, I know at least one of them can be sneaky.
On the bright side, Shawna kept the chili dogs warm until I got home.
So that was my Monday.Â Ain’t they grand?